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After we read the would-be-totally-offensive-if-it-weren’t-hilarious Holy Taco post titled “
What Her Underwear Says About Her,” we felt so very
informed that we were inspired to create our very own man version. Because, much like learning a dude’s astrological sign, his underoos speak volumes about what kind of guy he really is, and, more importantly, what kind of equipment he’s working with. You could read his tea leaves, or just follow the jump for everything you need to know about your man’s drawers. And we’ve provided helpful celebrity examples, naturally.
TIGHTY WHITIES
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Look, you already know what I’m gonna say about these: He’s a real classic guy, the kind who owns a Golden Retriever (or at least grew up with one) and likes long walks on the beach and skiing in the winter. Just make sure his underwear isn’t too tight, or he could be a real piece of work who works out for two hours every morning and asks you, “Are you sure you should eat that?” when you order dessert. (Or, he might just be in the military.) Then again, he could also be a hipster wearing them ironically. Think those neon-colored jammies from American Apparel. The dude in the latter category may have a wicked sense of humor; he may also have a handlebar mustache and wear jeans that are skinnier than yours. So there’s that.
Who Wears ‘Em
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Here’s the kind of dude you can bring home to mom. He’s an all-American good guy who’s into sports and likes to let it all hang loose. Beware his foppish cousin, the one who wears silk, paisley boxers. That guy is way fastidious and he will judge your own undie collection. Don’t wanna be caught wearing granny panties around him.
Who Wears ‘Em
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This dude is a “closet stud” who likes to walk a little on the alternative side. His (surprisingly) well-endowed member needs all the tender caressing support of a tighty whitie, but he’s laid-back and easy breezy like a boxer guy. He’s not trying to impress anyone, and he likes what he likes. He’s probably kind of a player too, but you won’t know until after he’s serenaded you and the next morning explains how you’re beautiful but he really just can’t “be in a relationship right now.”
Who Wears ‘Em
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Run do not walk away from the guy who busts one of these little numbers out. Insecure and overly macho at the same time, here’s a guy who’s compensating for the fact that he has something to hide by barely hiding anything at all. It’s the male equivalent of a rhinestone g-string. There’s just no way to wear one of these with any semblance of class or dignity, capeesh? Note to dudes: Speedos and their ilk are like kryptonite to ladies who wanted to have sex with you until you pulled your pants down.
Who Wears ‘Em
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Before you freak out and have a heart attack, consider that the
Manties man is not a full-on sexual deviant, but just really kinky and sexually confident. This rock star will fully blow your mind (and that’s not all) in the sack. On the flip side, he’s a total hedonist who’s likely to steal your best lingerie while he’s waiting for his next man panty order to arrive. Proceed with caution, but do strap in and enjoy the best sex of your life.
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These are analogies and metaphors found in college essays. I can’t vouch for how “actual” they are, but they are way too funny not to post!Read carefully. It’s not the person who was called a skank who’s suing Google. It’s the person who said it, somehow claiming that Google should have ignored the subpoena in the name of preserving that person’s ability to say seemingly anything behind a self-granted cloak of anonymity. It’s like the schoolyard bully suing a teacher for pulling him off a weakling. In other words, it’s backwards. And illogical.
